Monday, August 23, 2010

How to Gain 5 pounds on your honeymoon (in one week)

Sunday: get married and have a brunch reception. You probably lost weight in the days before due to stress, nerves, poor appetite, and running around, and even the increased consumption of alcohol has kept you at your lowest weight in almost 10 years. For the parties on Friday and Saturday, you were too busy talking to people to eat that much. Then you go to the reception buffet and try a little bit of everything. After all, you worked hard to pick a menu and It's Your Day: fresh fruit, salad, frittata, Hot Brown Casserole (a crowd favorite), and a waffle station with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Eat the fruit, salad, a little bit of the casseroles and two waffles. Don't forget the two mimosas from the bar (peach bellinis and bloody marys also available), a glass of white wine, and the champagne toast. There's the bite of carrot cake with cream cheese frosting after the cutting. Then the 1.5 slices later (yours and part of his, mainly the frosting part).

After the reception, your appetite kicks in again so you order room service: cokes, a hamburger, and pork (his). They mess up the creme brulee order so give you 3 different desserts instead.

Monday: breakfast at the hotel. Coffee with cream and sugar. There's a buffet but you had that yesterday. Order the biscuits & gravy. Breakfast comes on two plates with toast, eggs, and bacon, plus the actual food you ordered.

On the drive to your first honeymoon spot, eat half of a giant cookie leftover from the rehearsal picnic. Stop for lunch at your favorite brewery (Restaurant #1). Order a wheat ale with orange slice. Split a smallish appetizer pizza with goat cheese and duck sausage -- three small slices each. Later, get a huge chocolate cupcake with frosting at a bakery but only eat half of it. More Coke.

Cook the food left for you at the cabin - steak and crescent rolls. Bake the brownie mix. Have a beer (you bought some at the brewery).

Tuesday: Cold cereal for breakfast (Frosted Flakes). Lunch: you end up at an outlet mall and split a huge tuna-salad sandwich and Dr. Pepper.
Dinner: You're at your inn in a scenic lake town. You decide to share dishes so you won't have leftovers and so you have room for dessert. Restaurant #2: Order a vodka martini because martinis are on special but then decide you don't like it so get Chardonnay instead. Let him have his gin martini and some of your vodka one. Split the bacon-wrapped scallops. Split the Saltimbocca ("Braised chicken breast layered with fresh sage and prosciutto, topped with artichoke hearts, lemon beurre blanc sauce, and capers and served on linguine." Order separate desserts: strawberry shortcake and creme brulee.
Drink French Press coffee (with cream and sugar) at the coffee shop while you play cribbage.

Wednesday: Breakfast at the inn: orange juice, fresh fruit, quiche, and a cranberry scone.
Lunch: Restaurant #3: Split the Spinach-artichoke dip and fish tacos. Nap and eat some of the leftover brownies you brought with you.
Dinner: Restaurant #4: Decide it's more cost-efficient to share a bottle of wine -- order the Oregon Pinot Gris. Split the Foie Gras, the Mahi Nicoise salad, and the Walleye Buerre Rouge. Order separate desserts -- creme brulee and something with chocolate. Share a pot of French Press coffee (with cream and sugar).

Thursday: Breakfast at the inn: fresh fruit, Eggs Benedict, and a carrot coffee cake. Coffee with cream and sugar.
Lunch: Restaurant #5, unnamed because it wasn't worth it even though it normally would have been fine: crinkly sweet potato fries, a burger with blue cheese and onion, and a vegetable wrap (his) that did not come with the guacamole. Only eat half of your meal but take it back to your room for someone (him) to finish later.
Snack: Wander the shops again which are having a street sale. Get gelato/sorbet (sour cherry and chocolate for him; hazelnut and coffee for you).
Dinner: he's full from eating the leftover lunch, but you're hungry and dessert first wasn't enough. Go to the Italian place (Restaurant #6) and order the calamari and the half-order of angel hair pasta. Drink water. He eats some of the calamari. Tip extra because you feel bad for taking up a table.
Dinner two: After playing cribbage by the water and skunking your husband thoroughly, you decide you want dessert, which works well because now he's ready for dinner. Return to Restaurant #2 and sit at the bar. In a role reversal, he gets a fancy cocktail and you get a beer (Blue moon). He orders the bacon-wrapped scallops and the key lime pie. You get the spinach artichoke dip (which strangely comes with tortilla chips and salsa) and a root beer float. You have one scallop and he has some dip and chips, plus the salsa.

Friday: Breakfast at the inn: fresh fruit, another coffee cake, and a different type of quiche. Coffee with cream and sugar.
On the road. Coke. Lunch: (Restaurant #7) at Thai place downtown. Coke and noodles with vegetables. Snack: coke and half of a giant oatmeal raisin cookie.
Dinner: Back in the town where you had lunch on Monday. Dinner reservations at Restaurant #8: Order a Manhattan with a cherry. You loved them at this place before and it's half-price martinis (which this drink qualifies as). Split the Trio of Artisan Cheese, the Indiana Tomato Salad, the filet mignon which comes with fancy mac-n-cheese and an herb salad. Sop up the extra salad dressing using the freshly-baked bread. Order a second Manhattan, this time with two cherries. Split the Strawberry Jubliee for dessert. Make reservations for the same restaurant the following night.

Breakfast at the b-and-b: fresh fruit, scrambled eggs, bacon, and mini cinnamon rolls. Coffee. Talk with the couple getting married later in the day. mid-morning A&W root beer. Lunch at one of two Tibetan restaurants in town - Restaurant #9: Split the samosas. He gets mo-mo; you get cho-cho. Share the plates. Decide you're too full for crepes at the place you were looking for in the first place.
Snack: buy some tacky college-town t-shirts and two dark chocolate truffles. Open two beers back in your room but only drink 1.5 of them between the two of you.
Dinner: Same restaurant (#7), different floor, different server from before. Order a Manhattan and a Femme Fatale for the table. Order separate Indiana Summer Salads this time. Split the pork tenderloin for dinner. Order one more cocktail each. Order the Chocolate pate and the Black-and-Tan for dessert.

Sunday: Breakfast at Restaurant #10. Coffee (with cream and sugar), Order the french toast plate, which comes with 2 plates: one with four slices of french toast and maple syrup, one with scrambled eggs, bacon, and four slices of wheat toast.
On the road: A coke and half of a king-sized Snickers bar because you feel like it.
Home: Snack on Greek yogurt with raisins. Weigh yourself later and cringe.
Dinner: Wait too long to cook at home because you've been unpacking and napping so you get burritos at Qdoba. Go for the queso burrito with chicken instead of the usual vegge burrito. Add sour cream, cheese, and fajita vegetables. Drink with water at home while catching up on Mad Men. Save half of the burrito for lunch on Monday.
After dinner: go to your neighbors' place for football. Drink a Pepsi, eat two slices of cheese and eat one chocolate-chip cookie.

Monday morning:
Weigh yourself. Down 1/2 pound from Sunday afternoon but up 4.5 pounds from your lowest weight the week before. Recognize that walking an average of 10,000 steps a day doesn't count for as much when you're essentially walking from restaurant to restaurant. Enjoy every bite of it all.